I was once asked why is it the ex is always bad and wrong, or why don’t they just do the right things after the divorce. I thought I would share my answer here.  First of all, these are all one sided postings. We know that there are often two sides to a story. And when someone is venting online about their ex, the ex is usually absent and no one is there to defend the absentee.  Second, most people who initiate the divorce have done so because they know (not just think) something is wrong with their ex, so it would only make sense that the ex remains to be bad and wrong after the separation. But perhaps more importantly, they need to keep on making the ex bad and wrong to justify or prove that they have made the right choice by asking for a divorce. Of course, if we weren’t the one to initiate the divorce, the other person is bad and wrong for having initiated it.

To me, part of the irony is that for most states and in Canada, the reason for filing a divorce is “irreconcilable difference”, not he/she is “bad and wrong”.  Further, divorcing people are still hoping to change/control their ex who is supposed to be leading a separate life.

What’s interesting is that most people who divorce end up falling in love and remarrying.  This may suggest that the same person who is bad and wrong is lovable… to somebody else. So where does the truth lie?

Does it help to complain about your ex, as in will the ex change their behavior? I don’t know, maybe.  Does it help to complain about your ex online?  I would definitely have to say no because your ex does not even know about it and you are the only person who is all wound up. I suppose venting online anonymously can be therapeutic for some on a temporary basis. But I think letting it go, finding a way to reconcile and acknowledge the differences between you and your ex is a better way of spending your time. So, when is the right time to stop making your ex bad and wrong?  How about now?

What is interesting to me is her rights to her step children, if we assume that she wants to have a relationship with them. She has helped her husband Jesse James’ case for child custody for having provided a stable home for the children, and Divorce Magazine has written about how Sandra Bullock relishes her role as a mother to her step children.

Interestingly, in her recent Oscar acceptance speech for her role in the movie Blind Side, she said the award is “… for the moms that take care of the babies and children no matter where they come from. These moms and parents never get thanks.” I have to think that she included herself and her step children in that message.

I believe the law as it stands does not favor step parents. That the biological parents’ rights would allow them to determine whether a step parent can get to be with the step children. It’s complicated, that’s for sure. In some ways, step parents are like grand parents, they are very much on the fringe in situations like these, no matter how much time, money and love has been put into raising the children. And, may I add that some step parents choose to have the step children as their children, while some biological parents didn’t.

What is in the best interst of the children get more and more difficult to determine as parents go through mulitple divorces. How many sets of parents and grand parents can a child have and spend quality time with? And how often would these children be split up because they have different fathers. How many people have to be brought to the negotiation table to settle cases like this. And, are our divorce court judges, lawyers, fianncial advisors equipped to deal with this? I don’t envy any one of them involved in cases like this.

That is good news. I believe, children of divorce who can have the benefit of both parents and their extended family will have a fuller family experience. 

The result also shows that 80% of the mothers who answered the poll have the child/children of divorce most of the time vs 36% of the fathers who answered the poll. You may want to join our poll and tell us whether you think 50/50 child access between two parents should be the starting point of the law. You don’t have to be divorced to vote/voice our opinion.  Vote here: http://www.divorcemag.com/survey/quickpoll.shtml.

Martha Chan is the co-owner and V.P. Marketing of Divorce Marketing Group and Divorce Magazine.

Here are some points about the new process:

• will allow greater access to legal advice earlier in the divorce process
• will come into effect March 1, 2010
• to be implemented in two pilot jurisdictions: Brampton and Milton, and then eventually throughout the province
• no new public funding – all funds will come from a pool of $150 million previously earmarked for Ontario’s Legal Aid program

Click here to find out more: http://www.divorcemag.com/articles/Divorce_News/snapshot-ontario-changes-divorce-process.shtml

Martha Chan is the co-owner and V.P. Marketing of Divorce Marketing Group and Divorce Magazine.

We’re pleased to see this development. When a divorce is simple, uncontested and/or has no major obstacles to resolution, anything that promotes fair and speedy resolution is good for individuals, families, and taxpayers. At Divorce Marketing Group and Divorce Magazine, we’ve always advocated for a more peaceful and humane divorce process. We see this as a smart step in the right direction.

We invite everyone — individuals, lawyers, divorce professionals and all others — to review the news update and let us know what you think. We’ll be posting updates after details on the specific changes are released tomorrow on www.DivorceMagazine.com.

Martha Chan is the co-owner and V.P. Marketing of Divorce Marketing Group and Divorce Magazine.

I just saw on TV about a relationship expert commenting on Tiger Wood’s situation.  The discussion centered aroundwhy Tiger Woods did it and could Tiger Woods’ marriage be saved. This relationship expert says that he surveyed some 1,500 men asking them the question “If you could cheat on your spouse and get away with it, would you?” and the answer was 85% said yes. The expert’s point is men are not cut out to be with one person for life. So, my thought was if you ask this question: “If you could rob a bank and get away with it, would you?” and if you answered yes, does that mean you will rob a bank?

The expert went on to say, the only way Tiger Woods marraige can be saved is if they commit to working it out, that Elin, Tiger’s wife commits to forgiving him, go on the golf trips and do whatever it takes because it will be a tough habit for Tiger to break since so many women want to be with him. 

Is this what a marriage/relationship is built on?

Martha Chan is the co-owner and V.P. Marketing of Divorce Marketing Group and Divorce Magazine.

Quite simply, bird nesting is a child access arrangement in which the children remain in the family home, and both parents – who have individual, separate homes – take turns taking care of the children.

The idea behind bird nesting is that it helps promote stability and structure for children during an otherwise turbulent, traumatic time. Rather than being shepherded back and forth between their parents’ homes, they’re allowed to remain in familiar surroundings. While not a permanent living solution, bird nesting proposes to be a solid, temporary arrangement during divorce proceedings (settlement or litigation).

However, critics of bird nesting consider it to be inappropriate and unnecessary. A report by the Law and Society argues that the long-term impact of divorce on children is not substantial, and so the dramatic step of bird-nesting is unnecessary. They also argue that children are simply not all that harmed by “residential insecurity,” and that joint custody indeed promotes solid childhood development.

And of course, there is the money factor – which for many spouses considering bird nesting, may be the biggest factor of all. Whereas joint custody requires that couples maintain two residences (one for each spouse), bird nesting requires three, because the kids remain in the family home. This extra cost can be prohibitive to many divorcing people; especially considering the relatively high costs of divorce, where even quick and amicable negotiated settlements can dry up personal savings and push both spouses into debt.

The bottom line: bird nesting is not the right solution for every family. There are many factors to consider, including the arguments that joint custody is not as damaging as previously believed, and the extra costs involved.

Our advice? Talk to a professional who can help you see all of the pros and cons of bird nesting. It may be a good, temporary step for you and your spouse; or, it may be the wrong step – period. Get the facts you need, clearly identify your practical situation and options, and choose the decision that is best for your kids. Here’s what one professional has to say about bird nesting: click here. You can also see what some people say about bird nesting in forum discussions.

Ultimately, your love and care for them during this time will mean more, and make a bigger difference, than their address.

Martha Chan is the co-owner and V.P. Marketing of Divorce Marketing Group and Divorce Magazine.

Please cast your vote here: http://www.divorcemag.com/survey/quickpoll.shtml 

I want to publish this in the next Divorce Magazine.  Who knows, we maybe able to change the law.  Thank you.

I have posted this question with my Linkedin groups and am getting interesting comments.  You can look them up here: http://bit.ly/43O35r

Martha Chan is the co-owner and V.P. Marketing of Divorce Marketing Group and Divorce Magazine.

• which parent should the children spend the holiday with?
• what about spending time with the grantparents?
• can we work it out so that the children can spend time with both parents?

We’d like to find out what your plans are for this holiday season. Please let us know through our online poll:http://www.divorcemag.com/survey/quickpoll.shtml

I believe that if the parents are mature and civil, things can be worked out. There is still plenty of joy to spread around.

Martha Chan is the co-owner and V.P. Marketing of Divorce Marketing Group and Divorce Magazine.

Fortunately, the web is helping to change this situation.

These days, divorcing people – or people who’ve been through divorce and want to share their insights and offer support – can connect through a variety of online tools, including:

• forums
• chatrooms
• newsgroups
• facebook 
• blogs (like this one!)

These support tools seem to be always free (we have yet to find one that charges a fee), and some offer anonymity through the use of an alias; which can help some people vent their feelings.

However, speaking of venting, it’s very important that participants follow some basic ground rules. Often, a moderator will enforce these rules and suspend or delete users who violate them. And in the few online tools that are unmoderated (“anything goes,”) the content is typically so snarky, frightening or even illegal, that you don’t want to waste your time there anyway.

Simply follow these four common sense rules, and you’ll get the most of out of your experience – as will those who you connect with:

1. Don’t libel anyone – including your spouse or his/her family, lawyer, friends, or even the cat. It can be tempting to simply erupt into a passionate sermon about the wrongs that have been done to you. And even though you may have some very legitimate points, don’t use the online tool to make any statements that could get you into hot water later. By all means, share fact and opinion; but don’t become threatening or write anything that you don’t want coming back to haunt you later on.
2. Don’t pretend to be a lawyer and offer specific legal advice. Even lawyers typically won’t offer specific legal advice over the Internet. Instead, they will offer general guidance, suggestions and tips. Every divorce is different, and while there may be similarities between yours and someone that you meet over the ‘net, they will not be exactly the same.
3. Be supportive (or don’t be anything at all). If you’re feeling hurt or angry about your divorce, it can be all too easy to project that onto someone through the Internet, and start attacking them. Always take a step back and reflect before you post a response, answer an email, or respond to a chat comment. The goal of these tools is to be supportive; not to insult, ridicule or humiliate.
4. Be careful with your private details. Unless obliged to by the tool itself, don’t unreservedly offer your real name, your phone number, your address, or even your workplace. Other people – not just those you’re communicating with – can access that information and potentially use it for unlawful purposes.  The same goes for pictures. Be careful with whom you correspond and what you share.

Start (or continue) connecting with people and discussing divorce right here at Divorce Magazine. Our online forum is a great place to provide support, get information, and share ideas. Click here.

Martha Chan is the co-owner and V.P. Marketing of Divorce Marketing Group and Divorce Magazine.