Is your ex bad and wrong?

I’ve read a lot of discussions posted on the Forum on DivorceMagazine.com, on facebook, and blogs by people going through divorce. A vast majority of them complain about their ex, about how bad and wrong they are before during and after the divorce or separation. The complaints range from how the ex didn’t treat them right while they were married, cheated on them, didn’t take care of the household, financially in debt, was not there for the children, always late in picking or returning the children after visits, didn’t pick up the children when they should, didn’t pay the support payment, didn’t get a job and be self sufficient, dated too soon after the separation, brought home the new boy friend/girl friend too soon, leave the children alone with the boy friend/girl friend, terrible step parent… and the list of complaints goes on.

I was once asked why is it the ex is always bad and wrong, or why don’t they just do the right things after the divorce. I thought I would share my answer here.  First of all, these are all one sided postings. We know that there are often two sides to a story. And when someone is venting online about their ex, the ex is usually absent and no one is there to defend the absentee.  Second, most people who initiate the divorce have done so because they know (not just think) something is wrong with their ex, so it would only make sense that the ex remains to be bad and wrong after the separation. But perhaps more importantly, they need to keep on making the ex bad and wrong to justify or prove that they have made the right choice by asking for a divorce. Of course, if we weren’t the one to initiate the divorce, the other person is bad and wrong for having initiated it.

To me, part of the irony is that for most states and in Canada, the reason for filing a divorce is “irreconcilable difference”, not he/she is “bad and wrong”.  Further, divorcing people are still hoping to change/control their ex who is supposed to be leading a separate life.

What’s interesting is that most people who divorce end up falling in love and remarrying.  This may suggest that the same person who is bad and wrong is lovable… to somebody else. So where does the truth lie?

Does it help to complain about your ex, as in will the ex change their behavior? I don’t know, maybe.  Does it help to complain about your ex online?  I would definitely have to say no because your ex does not even know about it and you are the only person who is all wound up. I suppose venting online anonymously can be therapeutic for some on a temporary basis. But I think letting it go, finding a way to reconcile and acknowledge the differences between you and your ex is a better way of spending your time. So, when is the right time to stop making your ex bad and wrong?  How about now?

Bird Nesting: Is it for You and Your Kids?

Fans of the recently-suspended TLC reality series Jon & Kate Plus 8 may be aware that the soon-to-be-ex couple, Jon and Kate Gosselin, have reportedly opted for something called “bird nesting” with respect to caring for their children. But just what is bird nesting, and is it right for you and your kids?

Quite simply, bird nesting is a child access arrangement in which the children remain in the family home, and both parents – who have individual, separate homes – take turns taking care of the children.

The idea behind bird nesting is that it helps promote stability and structure for children during an otherwise turbulent, traumatic time. Rather than being shepherded back and forth between their parents’ homes, they’re allowed to remain in familiar surroundings. While not a permanent living solution, bird nesting proposes to be a solid, temporary arrangement during divorce proceedings (settlement or litigation).

However, critics of bird nesting consider it to be inappropriate and unnecessary. A report by the Law and Society argues that the long-term impact of divorce on children is not substantial, and so the dramatic step of bird-nesting is unnecessary. They also argue that children are simply not all that harmed by “residential insecurity,” and that joint custody indeed promotes solid childhood development.

And of course, there is the money factor – which for many spouses considering bird nesting, may be the biggest factor of all. Whereas joint custody requires that couples maintain two residences (one for each spouse), bird nesting requires three, because the kids remain in the family home. This extra cost can be prohibitive to many divorcing people; especially considering the relatively high costs of divorce, where even quick and amicable negotiated settlements can dry up personal savings and push both spouses into debt.

The bottom line: bird nesting is not the right solution for every family. There are many factors to consider, including the arguments that joint custody is not as damaging as previously believed, and the extra costs involved.

Our advice? Talk to a professional who can help you see all of the pros and cons of bird nesting. It may be a good, temporary step for you and your spouse; or, it may be the wrong step – period. Get the facts you need, clearly identify your practical situation and options, and choose the decision that is best for your kids. Here’s what one professional has to say about bird nesting: click here. You can also see what some people say about bird nesting in forum discussions.

Ultimately, your love and care for them during this time will mean more, and make a bigger difference, than their address.

Martha Chan is the co-owner and V.P. Marketing of Divorce Marketing Group and Divorce Magazine.

Using the Web to Cope During your Divorce

Anyone who’s gone through a divorce – or has supported someone dealing with divorce – knows that wise, supportive and helpful words from a friend can be invaluable. Unfortunately, many divorcing people don’t have a support network to rely on to help them make it through this very challenging period in their life.

Fortunately, the web is helping to change this situation.

These days, divorcing people – or people who’ve been through divorce and want to share their insights and offer support – can connect through a variety of online tools, including:

• forums
• chatrooms
• newsgroups
• facebook 
• blogs (like this one!)

These support tools seem to be always free (we have yet to find one that charges a fee), and some offer anonymity through the use of an alias; which can help some people vent their feelings.

However, speaking of venting, it’s very important that participants follow some basic ground rules. Often, a moderator will enforce these rules and suspend or delete users who violate them. And in the few online tools that are unmoderated (“anything goes,”) the content is typically so snarky, frightening or even illegal, that you don’t want to waste your time there anyway.

Simply follow these four common sense rules, and you’ll get the most of out of your experience – as will those who you connect with:

1. Don’t libel anyone – including your spouse or his/her family, lawyer, friends, or even the cat. It can be tempting to simply erupt into a passionate sermon about the wrongs that have been done to you. And even though you may have some very legitimate points, don’t use the online tool to make any statements that could get you into hot water later. By all means, share fact and opinion; but don’t become threatening or write anything that you don’t want coming back to haunt you later on.
2. Don’t pretend to be a lawyer and offer specific legal advice. Even lawyers typically won’t offer specific legal advice over the Internet. Instead, they will offer general guidance, suggestions and tips. Every divorce is different, and while there may be similarities between yours and someone that you meet over the ‘net, they will not be exactly the same.
3. Be supportive (or don’t be anything at all). If you’re feeling hurt or angry about your divorce, it can be all too easy to project that onto someone through the Internet, and start attacking them. Always take a step back and reflect before you post a response, answer an email, or respond to a chat comment. The goal of these tools is to be supportive; not to insult, ridicule or humiliate.
4. Be careful with your private details. Unless obliged to by the tool itself, don’t unreservedly offer your real name, your phone number, your address, or even your workplace. Other people – not just those you’re communicating with – can access that information and potentially use it for unlawful purposes.  The same goes for pictures. Be careful with whom you correspond and what you share.

Start (or continue) connecting with people and discussing divorce right here at Divorce Magazine. Our online forum is a great place to provide support, get information, and share ideas. Click here.

Martha Chan is the co-owner and V.P. Marketing of Divorce Marketing Group and Divorce Magazine.

Focus on Your Personal Finances, not the “Great Recession”

News of the global economic crisis has reached mind-numbing proportions. It’s on every newscast, in every newspaper, and seemingly on every website, where pundits of all stripes tell us what’s gone wrong and why it’ll get worse tomorrow. Under normal circumstances (whatever those are), absorbing this onslaught of economic crisis news is enough to rile even the most tolerant of people. 

But when you’re already facing the stressful, emotional, traumatic and yes, relatively expensive divorce process, it goes beyond that: it can be downright unbearable, and undermine your ability to make clear, focused, and wise financial decisions during this crucial time in your life.

My advice to you is simply this: the global economic recession and its aftermath are not going away. And regardless of the size of your portfolio, you must humbly accept that you aren’t in control of what’s going on.

What you ARE in control of, however, is your personal financial situation; and THAT’S what you should be focusing on.

Yes, the price of oil ultimately does matter to you, because it impacts the price you pay at the pump. And yes the inflation rate does matter to you, because lower inflation helps keep your day-to-day living costs from spiralling upwards. But as we’ve already noted: you can’t control the price of oil, nor can you control inflation rates.

Instead, you CAN control how you’re managing your budget and spending habits. Are you shelling out more than you’re bringing in? Have you taking into account the financial impact that separation and divorce will have on your day-to-day life? Are you maximizing your personal savings and cutting back on the inessential? You should be looking at all of these things, and if necessary, getting help from a professional financial advisor or planner.

The bottom line: don’t get sucked into the endless vortex of economic bad news; instead, focus on your personal economic situation and make necessary adjustments that accurately reflect your economic situation. Seek proper advice from a divorce lawyer and  financial experts and educate yourself on the financial implications of your proposed divorce settlement before you sign it.

Martha Chan is the co-owner and V.P. Marketing of Divorce Marketing Group and Divorce Magazine.