Sandra Bullock and the rights of a step-mom

America’s sweetheart and Academy Award winner Sandra Bullock reportedly is having marriage trouble because of her husband Jesse James’ admission of infidelity.  I am sure this story will be covered widely for many more weeks to come.

What is interesting to me is her rights to her step children, if we assume that she wants to have a relationship with them. She has helped her husband Jesse James’ case for child custody for having provided a stable home for the children, and Divorce Magazine has written about how Sandra Bullock relishes her role as a mother to her step children.

Interestingly, in her recent Oscar acceptance speech for her role in the movie Blind Side, she said the award is “… for the moms that take care of the babies and children no matter where they come from. These moms and parents never get thanks.” I have to think that she included herself and her step children in that message.

I believe the law as it stands does not favor step parents. That the biological parents’ rights would allow them to determine whether a step parent can get to be with the step children. It’s complicated, that’s for sure. In some ways, step parents are like grand parents, they are very much on the fringe in situations like these, no matter how much time, money and love has been put into raising the children. And, may I add that some step parents choose to have the step children as their children, while some biological parents didn’t.

What is in the best interst of the children get more and more difficult to determine as parents go through mulitple divorces. How many sets of parents and grand parents can a child have and spend quality time with? And how often would these children be split up because they have different fathers. How many people have to be brought to the negotiation table to settle cases like this. And, are our divorce court judges, lawyers, fianncial advisors equipped to deal with this? I don’t envy any one of them involved in cases like this.

83% of women, 72% of men surveyed said they would be spending this holiday with their children

Divorcemag.com is running an online poll to ask if our visitors will be spending time with their children this coming holiday. The result so far indicates majority of the parents will be spending time with their children this holiday. You can read the poll here: http://www.divorcemag.com/poll_results.php

That is good news. I believe, children of divorce who can have the benefit of both parents and their extended family will have a fuller family experience. 

The result also shows that 80% of the mothers who answered the poll have the child/children of divorce most of the time vs 36% of the fathers who answered the poll. You may want to join our poll and tell us whether you think 50/50 child access between two parents should be the starting point of the law. You don’t have to be divorced to vote/voice our opinion.  Vote here: http://www.divorcemag.com/survey/quickpoll.shtml.

Martha Chan is the co-owner and V.P. Marketing of Divorce Marketing Group and Divorce Magazine.

Bird Nesting: Is it for You and Your Kids?

Fans of the recently-suspended TLC reality series Jon & Kate Plus 8 may be aware that the soon-to-be-ex couple, Jon and Kate Gosselin, have reportedly opted for something called “bird nesting” with respect to caring for their children. But just what is bird nesting, and is it right for you and your kids?

Quite simply, bird nesting is a child access arrangement in which the children remain in the family home, and both parents – who have individual, separate homes – take turns taking care of the children.

The idea behind bird nesting is that it helps promote stability and structure for children during an otherwise turbulent, traumatic time. Rather than being shepherded back and forth between their parents’ homes, they’re allowed to remain in familiar surroundings. While not a permanent living solution, bird nesting proposes to be a solid, temporary arrangement during divorce proceedings (settlement or litigation).

However, critics of bird nesting consider it to be inappropriate and unnecessary. A report by the Law and Society argues that the long-term impact of divorce on children is not substantial, and so the dramatic step of bird-nesting is unnecessary. They also argue that children are simply not all that harmed by “residential insecurity,” and that joint custody indeed promotes solid childhood development.

And of course, there is the money factor – which for many spouses considering bird nesting, may be the biggest factor of all. Whereas joint custody requires that couples maintain two residences (one for each spouse), bird nesting requires three, because the kids remain in the family home. This extra cost can be prohibitive to many divorcing people; especially considering the relatively high costs of divorce, where even quick and amicable negotiated settlements can dry up personal savings and push both spouses into debt.

The bottom line: bird nesting is not the right solution for every family. There are many factors to consider, including the arguments that joint custody is not as damaging as previously believed, and the extra costs involved.

Our advice? Talk to a professional who can help you see all of the pros and cons of bird nesting. It may be a good, temporary step for you and your spouse; or, it may be the wrong step – period. Get the facts you need, clearly identify your practical situation and options, and choose the decision that is best for your kids. Here’s what one professional has to say about bird nesting: click here. You can also see what some people say about bird nesting in forum discussions.

Ultimately, your love and care for them during this time will mean more, and make a bigger difference, than their address.

Martha Chan is the co-owner and V.P. Marketing of Divorce Marketing Group and Divorce Magazine.

Should 50/50 custody be made the starting point for a divorce?

I am interested in knowing what you think about this topic: Should the law be such that 50/50 custody between parents is the starting point for a divorce settlement and it will be adjusted based on circumstances, such as abuse, work schedule etc. 

Please cast your vote here: http://www.divorcemag.com/survey/quickpoll.shtml 

I want to publish this in the next Divorce Magazine.  Who knows, we maybe able to change the law.  Thank you.

I have posted this question with my Linkedin groups and am getting interesting comments.  You can look them up here: http://bit.ly/43O35r

Martha Chan is the co-owner and V.P. Marketing of Divorce Marketing Group and Divorce Magazine.