Fans of the recently-suspended TLC reality series Jon & Kate Plus 8 may be aware that the soon-to-be-ex couple, Jon and Kate Gosselin, have reportedly opted for something called “bird nesting” with respect to caring for their children. But just what is bird nesting, and is it right for you and your kids?
Quite simply, bird nesting is a child access arrangement in which the children remain in the family home, and both parents – who have individual, separate homes – take turns taking care of the children.
The idea behind bird nesting is that it helps promote stability and structure for children during an otherwise turbulent, traumatic time. Rather than being shepherded back and forth between their parents’ homes, they’re allowed to remain in familiar surroundings. While not a permanent living solution, bird nesting proposes to be a solid, temporary arrangement during divorce proceedings (settlement or litigation).
However, critics of bird nesting consider it to be inappropriate and unnecessary. A report by the Law and Society argues that the long-term impact of divorce on children is not substantial, and so the dramatic step of bird-nesting is unnecessary. They also argue that children are simply not all that harmed by “residential insecurity,” and that joint custody indeed promotes solid childhood development.
And of course, there is the money factor – which for many spouses considering bird nesting, may be the biggest factor of all. Whereas joint custody requires that couples maintain two residences (one for each spouse), bird nesting requires three, because the kids remain in the family home. This extra cost can be prohibitive to many divorcing people; especially considering the relatively high costs of divorce, where even quick and amicable negotiated settlements can dry up personal savings and push both spouses into debt.
The bottom line: bird nesting is not the right solution for every family. There are many factors to consider, including the arguments that joint custody is not as damaging as previously believed, and the extra costs involved.
Our advice? Talk to a professional who can help you see all of the pros and cons of bird nesting. It may be a good, temporary step for you and your spouse; or, it may be the wrong step – period. Get the facts you need, clearly identify your practical situation and options, and choose the decision that is best for your kids. Here’s what one professional has to say about bird nesting: click here. You can also see what some people say about bird nesting in forum discussions.
Ultimately, your love and care for them during this time will mean more, and make a bigger difference, than their address.
Martha Chan is the co-owner and V.P. Marketing of Divorce Marketing Group and Divorce Magazine.
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